Saturday, March 31, 2018

Edger

Genre:  Comedy Fiction

It’s been said every story must start somewhere. Ours begins with a professional dork. The kind who fixes computers and lives in his gran’s basement. The kind tapped by destiny (that saucy minx) to become the world’s first superhero!

And not a moment too soon…

A nano-sized artificial intelligence is on the loose! It got itself dart-gunned into a cow butt by a frog man in a porn store! Two stoners are corrupting it on twitter! And that’s just the first three pages!!

Join our dork of destiny as he channels the collective unconscious—his psychic superpower—in a harrowing tale of high drama, romance, betrayal, revenge, jesus chickens, cocaine, weirdos, magicians, ninjas, nfl spies, and disco ball water torture administered to the tune of rapture, by blondie. My god, man, what does it all mean!? 

It means uncorking that next bottle of wine isn’t only a good idea—it’s advisable.


EXCERPT:
Water and glass shower the dance floor. Needle scratches vinyl. Hattori Hanzo seizes control instinctively and I land with the grace of a ninja. Mary, who has no dead ninja in her head, thuds with the grace of a turkey carcass dropped from the Level Two parapet of Westfield Horton Plaza.


“Kill them!” someone yells.

“Don’t kill them!” I yell back, figuring that’s got to be worth a try.

Shots are fired. Screaming patrons run and duck for cover. A bullet ricochets off the wall. I grab Mary by the ropes binding her, and drag her behind a nearby couch.


More gunfire.

I chance a peek. Caleb Montana is near the front door, exchanging shots with two Nostradamus agents hiding behind a life-size statue of Caleb in his quarterback uniform, one arm cocked back, preparing to pass the football, and the other stretched out in front, pointing.

I round on Mary, who flings her wet hair back like a Sports Illustrated swimsuit model. Water sprays my supersuit’s visor.

“Cut me loose.”

“Right, right,” I say, feeling around on my utility belt. Jeez, I’ve never tried to locate anything without someone helping me from the Collective Unconscious. There are a lot of things here. I pull a tiny ball out, and the nano-technology grows into a switchblade-shaped object. Seems promising. I flick it on. Blue flame blows out from the end.

“Holy crap!”

“Come on, quit fooling around.”

“Don’t rush me! Do you have any idea how stressful this is?”

“Come on,” she says, her voice husky, cheek to floor, back arched, butt in the air.

“You never see Batman having this problem,” I mutter.


AUTHOR Bio and Links: David Beem will be awarding a $50 Amazon or Barnes and Noble GC to a randomly drawn winner via rafflecopter during the tour. (see below)


David Beem enjoys superhero movies, taekwondo, and flossing. He lives in Djibouti with his family and crippling self-doubt. Help actualize David’s inner confidence. Visit his website today, and buy all the stuff.
https://twitter.com/davidbeem








15 comments:

Goddess Fish Promotions said...

Thanks for hosting!

David Beem said...

Yes, thank you for hosting! Any readers who may be interested in learning more about this book, don't hesitate to shoot me a question. I'll be checking back here throughout the day. Cheers!

Lisa Brown said...

I enjoyed getting to know your book; congrats on the tour, I hope it is a fun one for you, and thanks for the chance to win :)

David Beem said...

Thank you, Lisa Brown! I'm thankful for hosts like Kathy who sponsor events like this. Good luck on the contest! ;)

Kathy said...

David,
I loved hosting your book. I have what I now call an "old nerd" for a husband and I suppose he's rubbed off on me.

Best of luck with your book.

David Beem said...

Old nerds are the discriminating nerds with TASTE. :) :) :)

Thanks for the luck. Can I get a receipt with that? ;)

Kathy said...

Anytime!

Maria Catalina Vergara Egan said...

Looks like fun for NERDS and OTHERS ;)

David Beem said...

@Maria Catalina,

Yes, I made sure to include "others" in the fun description. ;)

Victoria Alexander said...

Thanks for sharing the great post!

Kathy said...

Thanks Victoria. This was a fun post to do and sounds like a fun book to read.

Good luck to everyone that stops by during David's tour.

Put his book on your TBR list.

David Beem said...

Thank you Kathy, and Victoria! It's been a fun day and so nice to discover a thriving blog like this one. Thank you everyone for stopping by today!

Bridgett wilbur said...

I just loved your excerpt and I would love to read your book.

Kim said...

This excerpt has me laughing. I needed that!

David Beem said...

Kim--

Hooray! That's music to my ears! I tried to pack the book with some good laughs--because sometimes we just need to laugh. Have a nice weekend, and thank you for stopping by.

David